How long has it been since I last left an entry onhere?  I know that it has been well overa year and for that, I apologize, especially since NOTHING on this page isgoing to be joyful.  I just need tovent.  Really, this is more for myselfthan anyone else.  I'm sitting in BCourt at CLC waiting for my next class to start in two hours and need to get mymind off of life and everything going wrong. Funny how I want to avoid it, but here I am typing about my depressionand anxiety.  I guess you need to faceit in order to overcome it though, right? Or... at least that's how it is when you're dealing with phobias.

This year has been a one way trip to hell with no hope ofcoming back or so it seems (talk about an emo statement...).  Crap keeps happening and once I have theaudacity to tell myself that it's all over and things can't get any worse,well... heh... they do.  Go figure.  Everything actually started the second dayafter Christmas last year.  Christmaswas a blast and my grandparent's house and I KNEW something was going to happenbecause whenever it seems that I enter a lighthearted, happy state, it comescrashing down a few days or weeks later. Yep, I called it.  Was I readyfor it?  Not a chance.

My grandfather had fallen and couldn't get up because hecouldn't move his legs.  My grandma,unable to lift him and worried as hell, called the ambulance.  We were all told that he had a stroke.  I don't exactly remember where I was thatday, but I know that I received a phone call saying that he was in thehospital.  My dad picked me up and droveme there while I was balling my eyes out. At that time, the fact that he had two brain tumors was stated and thatwas what had caused the stroke... only the stroke turned out not to be astroke, but several seizures.  They gavehim so much stroke medication when he was on the ambulance though, that when Iwas at the hospital, he didn't remember who any of us were.  I held his hand in the ICU before breakingdown completely AGAIN and leaving to wait for hours in the waiting room with mycousins Brian and Becky. 

I remember everything that happened that day after I wastold my grandfather's condition.  It'sso vivid and clear that it's almost freakish. It probably is.  There wasnothing to get our minds off of what was happening one hallway and roomaway.  Brian took out his portable DVDplayer and started playing cars while Becky and I drew.  I was the oldest there so I was trying to bestrong while getting them through it. Becky is only in second (...or maybe third... I can't remember..) graderight now so she wasn't even allowed to go and see him seeing as how she wastoo young.

My grandpa was released from the hospital only to go to anursing home.  You would think that theywould try to take care of him, but there were a multitude of problems thatcould have been easily avoided.  Heneeded oxygen, but they didn't have enough containers of it so his levelsstayed low.  He's diabetic and they fedhim sugar.  When his level became toohigh, they shot him up with insulin... TWICE. Needless to say, that did not help his body.  His level became so low that he's lucky he didn't fall into acoma.  He was very, very ill in thatplace.

Luckily, my grandpa seems fine now, but it was a long rollercoaster ride from the end of December to mid February.  There's something different about himthough, but then again, that makes sense because he had brain surgery and wentthrough a lot.  My family may bedysfunctional, but it doesn't mean that I don't love them.  They're all very important to me and whenpart of it breaks, so do I.

A few days after my grandfather came home, a family friendbecame very ill.  He also had a braintumor, but it was cancerous.  He wasalso the father of one of my sister's good friends.  His health kept deteriorating over the months until he passedaway.  My mom, sister, and I all went tothe funeral.  It was really hard and asawful as this sounds, it brought back bad memories of another very emotionalfuneral.  The music played at the wakewas the same as the music played at Rusty's and the cancer walk that I usuallydo, but couldn't participate in this year (and God do I feel guilty...).

The next week, another one of my sister's friend's dadspassed away.  He had a heart attack inWalmart and didn't survive it.  Itdidn't affect me personally, but it actually cracked Michele's toughexterior.  She became almost manic andwas fearful of everything.  She wouldn'tstay home alone or let any of us go out because she thought that we would alldie and she couldn't deal with it.  Sheslept in my room one night because she couldn't be alone and then she startedbooting one of my parents out of their own bed and slept next to the other.  We couldn't do anything and her screamingmade us all lose sleep and feel like we really WERE going to die.  Stress is a killer.  None of us need that.  And... after those two men died, someoneMichele knows committed suicide.  It'sbeen hard.

College started and I felt good about it (aside from thatharassing stalker that I see on Tuesdays and Thursdays..).  I'm facing my anxiety problem head on.  For those of you who don't know, I have asocial anxiety problem.  I'm not afraidto admit it anymore because it's true. I think that it stems from the wounds that were left behind from all thefriends who stabbed me in the back in the past.  I'm not sure though.  Andyes... this social anxiety is the reason why I missed so much school junioryear and started to be home schooled last year.  I couldn't deal with my peers and would make myself physicallyill because of the stress and the panic attacks caused by it.  I started medicine and seem to be better onit.  Or at least I did until this year.

Now my mom has an appointment to see if she has cancer.  She had a mammogram and they found somethingso they called her back last week to check and sure enough, something is therethat shouldn't be.  She has a 20% chanceof being really ill and while that number is not very high, judging on our luckin the past, I'm really worried.  I justwalked out to my car before I turned on the laptop, called my dad, and balledmy eyes out.  I was crying so hard thatI choked.  During Japanese, I was sospacey that the teacher gave up on calling me. I had to stagger out of the room because of my dizziness and trieddrinking some water.  It didn't helpmuch.

My mom's appointment is today and she's having two hour longtests.  Her results will come onSeptember eleventh.  Nice, isn'tit?  I swear, I don't know what I'll doif she does have cancer.  I'd probablylose it.  I couldn't deal with it whenRusty was diagnosed with cancer and was in critical condition.  After he died, I was wracked with a strangesense of guilt and attempted suicide twice. I almost had to go to a hospital because I would get up in the middle ofthe night and just scream.  He was afriend, but my mom's family.  We're muchcloser than we should be and I guess I'm a Momma's girl or whatever.

Now I'm jumping to the conclusion that if it's cancer, thenit's going to kill her.  That's notright either.  My uncle had skin cancerthis year and is now in remission.  Myaunt has a dangerous autoimmune disease that could cause cancer (alsodiscovered this year...) and she's doing fine aside from all of the colds andother illnesses that she keeps getting. Ms. Day had skin cancer and she's fine. My friend's mom had thyroid cancer this year and after having itremoved, she's been perfectly fine.  Ican only imagine how hard it was for him because his best friend passed awaydue to bone cancer.  Mrs. Thompson hadbreast cancer and she's fine.  Mythoughts just keep returning to Rusty and Paul (family friend mentionedearlier).

If all of this wasn't bad enough, the drama going on (thestuff that was supposed to stay back in high school because it<I>was</I> high school drama...), is also tearing me apart.  There are some days where I'm completelystoic and emotionless because I stop caring. I either don't have any emotions or I'm over the top.  I don't understand it.  And... I'm sorry because usually I try toavoid talking about these things.  I'vebeen ignoring people on YIM or haven't initiated conversations.  I've just been hiding away in my roombecause it's the only thing I can do while I try to get through this.  If a friend were to ask me how I'm feeling,I'll automatically answer, "Good," "Great," or somethingsimilar.  I'll mention if I'm sick ortired, but I'll never go beyond that. At least I rarely will.  Myfriends have enough problems and drama of their own.  They don't need my stupidity bogging them down too.  That's not fair or right. 

I just... Right now I don't know what to do.  Writing and thinking logically rather thanallowing my mind to become further clouded is helping a bit.  But still, I don't know if this is a test ornot, but if it is, I'm failing.  Damn...I'm failing horribly...

It has been forever since I've updated!  And after being asked several times to post something I finally decided to do it.  I guess that I've just been lazy or something.  Either that of I became too caught up in my writing. *shrugs*

I just got back from vacation in Florida.  We went to Disney World and I went to AFO, Anime Festival Orlando, for a day with my mom.  I got to meet Vic!!  He's so sweet and even more awesome in person!  I told him that I was the person constantly e-mailing him from Northern Illinois and he hugged me before I could finish introducing myself!  I had two pictures of us taken, but my film needs to be developed.  I REALLY hope that they turn out.  I also had a chance to meet Aaron (Alphonse), Travis (Roy Mustang), and Chris (Alex Luis Armstrong)!  Aaron was shy, Travis was HILARIOUS, and Chris was AWESOME!  He had me pose as his brother's friend so I could cut to the front of the autograph line.  It was great... even if it did make people angry.

There's a lot of stories that I have to share, but that laziness thing... it's a killer.  For now I'll post some pictures that my mom took with her camera.

Travis being the funny guy he is.  He did a little dance and strut on stage before sitting in his seat.

This was voice acting 101.  Pictures were drawn for the voice actors and they had to act out the character's voice the way they thought it would sound.  Chris is on the left, Travis is in the middle, and on the left is... Jeff Nimoy (Wolfwood- Trigun) I think...

In order from the left to the right- Veronica taylor (Ash-Pokemon), Quinton Flynn (Axel-KH2, Iruka-Naruto, Timon-Lion King) , Vic (Edward-Fullmetal Alchemst), and Chris (Oh yeah, he's also Ayame in Fruits Basket).

Veronica and Quinton again.  He did Reno's voice from Final Fantasy Advent Children here.

Again, he used Reno's voice, but people in the audience said he sounded more like Axal *shrugs*

This is right before Vic like... tackled the poor guy and attacked him, pretending to be that dinosaur thing.

Vic vs Aaron on FMA trivia!

Vic, Aaron, and Travis.  I think it's a nice picture.

Aaron's trying to cheat in the dodgeball match against the miniskirt army by hiding a ball under his shirt.  He was caught though...

It's all about strategy!  Too bad that girl was in the way... *waves a fist*

Vic has a mean throw, but it's awesome!  A girl got hit in the head by him and all she did was shout, "Eeeee!  I was hit in the head by Vic!"  I may be a fan of his, but even I'm not that crazy... *shakes head*

Heh... Travis even had the gloves for the game.  He was pretty good too and caught almost anything that was thrown at him.  This was taken right before he turned around and dropped his pants just far enough to reveal that his blue boxers said 'Mustang' on them.  Eh heh...

Argument... That's what happens when you get competetive...

Aaron's paying close attention to the opposing team before even starting the game.  There's a reason why he played the level headed character in the series.  But then again... he played the brat, Hiro Sohma, in Fruits Basket.  *shrugs*  Too bad the Risembool Rangers lost to the Miniskirt Army.  It's so so sad...

And this has absolutely nothing to do with AFO except for the fact that it's Japanese!  Well... at least... it was at this restaurant in the Japan area of Epcot.  Our plates surrounded this really hot grill and it was cooked in front of us.  The chef made our onions into a volcano!  He was awesome and did all of these tricks and things as he cooked.  My sister was a little turned off thought because when he threw part of a shrimp, it landed on her plate.  Oops...

And that is all for now!  I'll do another entry later.  Not sure when... just later...